


can you love me again?

by byAlessandra



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Car Accidents, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending?, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, hm who knows :), loosely based on the movie "the vow", who knows pt2 :), will daniel remember max..?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-22 20:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30044250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byAlessandra/pseuds/byAlessandra
Summary: Max and Daniel love each other, head over heels.Everything is fine - until one day, Daniel wakes up in the hospital after an accident and doesn't remember Max anymore.Suddenly, nothing is the same.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo & Max Verstappen, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Max Verstappen, Michael Italiano/Daniel Ricciardo, Michael Italiano/Max Verstappen
Comments: 31
Kudos: 104





	1. The Accident

**Author's Note:**

> did I write this instead of studying for my very important law exam on Tuesday?  
> Yeah, do I regret it? I'll let you know in a few days.
> 
> Anyways, have fun with this one and stay tuned :)
> 
> Title from: 'love me again' by john newman

The stars glimmer in the night sky above them as they drive down the street, windows rolled down and the music blasting from the speakers, way too loud for the late hour in the neighbourhood. Neither Max or Daniel are bothered by that as they sing their hearts out. The wind messes up Max's hair, tickling his forehead, and he drums his fingers against the outside of the car from where he lets his arm hang out. 

"Bitch I'm ballin', ballin', I made a promise to my mama", Daniel raps along to the song playing, hands barely even on the wheel as he stops at a red light. His thousand-watt-smile blinds Max when he looks over, brighter than the sun ever could be. Max just laughs when Daniel links their hands together, still shaking them around and Max wonders how their rear mirror is still on.   
He figures he doesn't care, a permanent smile plastered to his face because he will never in a million years get tired of this and so he sings along with Daniel. 

"I'ma turn these zeros into tens and commas, bitch I'm ballin" 

Daniel suddenly leans out of the window before Max has the chance to grab and stop him from doing so, and Daniel yells loudly "That's ballin!" 

"Stop, we're gonna get in trouble!", Max hisses although he can't help himself and laugh as he tears Daniel back into the car by his shirt. Daniel just shrugs with a smirk. 

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Maxy", he points to the light that just turned green as he puts in the gear. "See, we're already long gone before some grandma even made it to the window to complain about us"   
Max rolls his eyes fondly, glancing down at where their hands are linked together over the gear shift. These are the things he will never get enough of. 

It's when he looks up and over to Daniel that he sees it. It's just a flash of light, the shadow of a bad omen hushing by. He hears the tires screeching like a deathly warning even over their loud music.

  
"Daniel!", he cries out in panic, or maybe he just thinks he does, but Daniel never would have had the chance to react in any way.   
Max's heart skips a beat and he can't tell if it ever starts beating again because in that moment the rover collides with their car. 

A heavy thump, metal against metal.   
Their linked hands get torn apart.   
They get crushed against another car on the other side.   
A loud honk rings in Max's ears.   
He gets thrown into the seatbelt, all air pressed out of his lungs.   
His vision goes black. 

  
And suddenly, everything is gone. 

***

It's a blur for Max. All of it. 

He vaguely recalls drifting in and out of consciousness at the car. He remembers red and blue flashing lights, a siren loud and alarming.   
He remembers some people laying him onto a stretcher, blurry faces above his vision and blocking the view of the nightsky.   
He remembers the burning smell of smoke and something else he couldn't place.   
And now he is here, in the hospital. He stands with crutches in front of a room, a doctor next to him. He is... he doesn't know, actually. He is exhausted but yet wide awake, his entire body hurts but mostly his ribs and lungs. No wonder, he bruised a few ribs and dislocated his right shoulder at the impact. 

The doctors told him that he was actually lucky, that it could've been worse.   
Daniel was lucky too, they said.. he was at the driver's side, right where the rover crashed into and it certainly could've ended a lot worse.

He is impatiently waiting for the doctor to be done talking to the nurse - he wants to go inside the room and see Daniel, to see that he is fine.   
He begged the doctor so long to get out of the bed that eventually the poor woman gave in to his stubbornness. He didn't want to take a wheelchair either, he is not some grandma, thank you very much. Although he kind of regrets that now but he is too proud to let it show. 

The doctor - Mrs. Marren, as the tag reads, Max didn't really listen to her introduction at first - finally pushes the door open and lets him inside first. Max almost halts when he sees Daniel laying on that hospital bed, his lean body looking so small on it. Max doesn't stop however and limps over to the side of the bed, quite ungracefully plopping down into the chair next to the bed. Daniel blinks his eyes open, slowly, his pupils wide as they fall first onto Mrs. Marren and then Max. There is confusion hushing over his face as Daniel stares at Max for a second longer but Max doesn't think anything of it. He was irritated himself after waking up. 

"Hey", Max says quietly with a smile and Daniel stares for another moment, not returning the smile right away like Max could've bet on he would. Max reaches out to take Daniel's hand into his, thinking of how they were placed on the gear shift right before the crash.   
Daniel only hesitantly smiles, just a little tug of the lips and Max feels bad - Dan must be completely out of it. 

"I was already here some time ago, Mr. Ricciardo, do you remember that?", Mrs. Marren starts, her voice as friendly and soft as it was when she explained everything to Max a few hours before.   
Daniel looks over at her, nodding slightly but wincing afterwards. There is cut on his forehead, just a bit over his left eyebrow. 

"Good. You were involved in an accident yesterday evening. Another car crashed into yours" 

Daniel seems to think before he swallows. "Yeah, I think I sort of remember that?", he rasps out. 

Mrs. Warren gives him a short but genuine smile. "You were quite lucky, considering you were on the side of the car that got crashed into. You have a moderate concussion, a fractured forearm for which you will have to wear a cast for about five weeks and two broken ribs on your left side. All in all you must have had a guardian angel by your side that night, both of you."

Max quietly huffs out a breath which hurts in his chest but he ignores that as he pulls Daniel's hand to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss onto the knuckles. Daniel's eyes fall back onto him, and this time the confusion is clearly written all over his face. Max's smile falters when Daniel slowly pulls his hand away, brows slightly furrowed as he observes Max. 

"Dan..?"

Daniel shakes his head a bit, forgetting once again about his concussion but he doesn't even pull a grimace this time. "I'm- I'm sorry but, " Daniel starts, voice unsure and Max can't tell if his heart suddenly starts to beat faster or slower. 

"... who are you?" 

Max freezes in his position. He gapes for a second, then another, his world suddenly tumbling and turning and he can't grip onto anything to make it stop, to hold himself up. 

"You- Dan, this is not funny.", he eventually presses out, but his voice is trembling although he wants to deny it. 

  
Because that's what this is, right? A joke.

  
It's just a joke. A very ill placed one and normally Daniel knows where to draw the line with his sarcasm but he is probably just too drugged up in the moment. 

But then Max sees the look in Daniel's eyes, sees the wary in his face and it hits Max in the guts like a prick. Daniel isn't joking. He isn't laughing. That look in his eyes is real. 

  
Daniel doesn't recognize Max, not one bit. 

"I'm not joking", Daniel slowly says, confirming Max's worst fear, his biggest horror. "I don't- am I supposed to know you? Because-" 

_Because you don't._

Max stares and stares, eventually looking at Mrs. Marren in hope and desperation and she meets his eyes, an apologetic look in them. 

And it's all a blur all over again. He rushes out of the room, his bruised body protesting but that pain would never compare to the one flaring up in his chest. He doesn't know how long it takes until Mrs. Marren is back with him, a supporting hand on his shoulder.

_Amnesia._

_A result of the concussion, not uncommon._

_Retrograde concussion; the patient loses memories of rather recent events but does remember events from long ago._

_Memories can mostly come back, with training. Some however never will._

_It takes time._

_Amnesia._

These words rush around Max's head, he's recalling them over and over again. They're stuck in a loop, right next to the look on Daniel's face.

Daniel doesn't remember Max. He doesn't _know_ him.  
All their time is gone, vanished with the wind like it never meant anything at all.  
But by god it means everything to Max, because Daniel is his rock, his anchor, his sun and his good will and his torch in the dark tunnel.  
And Max - Max is nothing at all to Daniel. Not anymore. In the blink of an eye, _gone_.

He lays on his hospital bed, curled up with one of his hands pressing over his left side and he isn't sure if it is because his ribs are aching, or because his heart is being torn apart.   
Minutes or hours later, he has no clue, the door opens quietly and it's silent until a soft voice asks "Max? Can I come in?" 

Max sniffles, not even bothering to wipe away his tears and simply nods.   
Michelle is by his side in a heartbeat then, sitting down on the bed next to him and she rubs her hand over his arm soothingly. But nothing could soothe Max, nothing and no one else but Daniel ever really does. And Daniel won't comfort him because he forgot Max. Just like that. Like someone snapped their fingers and boom - everything erased.

"I'm so sorry Max", Michelle whispers and Max finally glances over to her, seeing her red rimmed eyes. Michelle and him have always had a good relationship ever since they've met some years ago. She is like Daniel in most ways, but on the other hand also very different. Max felt like a proud brother when he went to her wedding, seeing her and Joe walk down the aisle to the man she loves and... Daniel stood next to Max, cheering loudly. 

Max swallows and just nods. What is he supposed to say? Because Daniel still remembers Michelle and his parents and everyone else, but not Max. They're still a part of Dan's life, but Max isn't. He got cut off like he was held by a string, and now that string is falling down to never be seen again. 

"He forgot me", he whispers, voice as broken as his heart feels. Saying these words out loud hurts even more. 

"Oh Max", Michelle leans down to lay her head on his shoulder, hand now rubbing circles on his back - a motion that Daniel aways does too. Max doesn't know if he should cry, laugh, scream or stay quiet forever. "The doctors said most of his memories can and will come back, his brain just needs time.", she softly mumbles. 

"But what if I'm not part of those memories that will come back? What if he will never remember me? I don't-" 

_I don't know how to handle this._

"Don't think like that, Max. He will remember you, I'm sure.", Michelle reassures him and Max holds back on asking how she can be sure of something that could very likely not happen. 

  
He talks to Grace and Joe afterwards too and it takes all of his willpower to not break down - again - when Grace pulls him into a tight hug, promising him everything will be fine. 

He doesn't need to stay in the hospital for more than two days - which he spends in his bed, or pacing around the room or staring out of the window. Somehow his mind is blank and at the same time it's so full, so loud and Max doesn't know what to make of it. He didn't go visit Daniel. Part of him wanted nothing more, it's like his heart doesn't register why he suddenly can't have Daniel with him anymore, but the other part of him dreads nothing more than that. 

Daniel needs to stay for the rest of the week before he can go home. Or for him it's rather; go to the place Max and he live in but obviously he doesn't remember where that is.   
At first it was planned that Daniel was supposed to go live with his parents at the farm again for the next while because well, he doesn't know Max or anything about their lives and they thought it would be better for Daniel to live with his parents, who he does remember. But Grace and Joe will be in Melbourne for a exhibition the whole next week and Daniel shouldn't be alone either. So he is coming back to the apartment with Max. 

  
Max would be telling a lie if he said that he knows how to handle all of that. He really, really doesn't. He still partly feels like his mind hasn't actually wrapped itself around everything that happened. 

He has changed back into his normal clothes that Michelle brought him, which Max is more than grateful for. Ready to leave the hospital with just a small bag in his hands, he hesitates before walking past Daniel's room, staring at the door.   
Should he tell Daniel that he is going now but will come back on Saturday to pick him up? Or does Daniel not want to see Max?   
He knows that Max is his boyfriend, he got told after they figured out that he suffered from memory loss.

Or... _was_ his boyfriend? 

How is Daniel supposed to be with someone he doesn't remember? Max is a stranger to him.   
It's in that moment that Max decides to keep walking - he can't bear to see that look in Daniel's eyes again. That look that says "I don't know who you are"   
Max will already have to deal with it in a few days, maybe until then he has sorted his heart and mind out.   
He knows that's a lie though. 

Coming home to their apartment is... weird. Empty.   
Max feels hollow when he starts to tidy everything up on Friday, getting their apartment ready for Daniel's arrival tomorrow.   
He doesn't even know himself how he spent these past days. He texted Victoria and his mum about what happened, who instantly called him and even offered to fly over to Australia but Max reassured them that they don't need to. What for, anyway?   
Tears roll down his cheeks when he fills the boxes in front of him with all the pictures of him and Daniel that are hung up on the walls or are standing framed on the commodes.  
The doctors advised him to not drop bombs on Daniel and his memory loss right away, but to go through it with him slowly and in a steady pace. And Max guesses that seeing all these pictures of moments that Daniel doesn't know anymore would be a pretty big bomb.

So Max packs them away, all of them. 

  
He also bought Daniel a new phone, another thing they told him he should do. On Daniel's old phone would be all the pictures and conversations and god knows what else, and it will be easier to just give him a new phone. They can go through the stuff on the old one separately.   
Max sobs but doesn't stop packing their things together until he is done, standing in the middle of their living room and everything is so _empty_.   
Max briefly wonders if he should leave a few photos up, not even the ones where they're close or cuddling and kissing or whatever, maybe just those at Michelle's wedding, for example? Where they took that photo at the dance after with the Ricciardo family, in which they're just standing next to each other.   
He shakes his head. No dropping bombs, no forcing to try and make the memories come back. No stress, that would be bad for Daniel's brain. That's what they told him and he'll follow their advise. If he really wants the Daniel who knows and loves him to come back, then Max needs to push through this now. 

He isn't exactly sure how he'll do it, but he will have to somehow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always highly appreciated :)
> 
> All the love,  
> Alessandra


	2. Coming Home

Usually, Max loves Saturdays.

It's the day they always clean their apartment together, which most of the time ends up with both of them doing some shit that definitly is not cleaning at all, or they go grocery shopping and in the evening they go on their usual run together.

  
Max doesn't like this Saturday, however.  
Because everything is different.

  
His hands are shaking when he goes up to the reception of the hospital, telling the lady why he is here.  
His voice is slightly trembling too. Great.  
It's again Mrs. Marren who brings him to Daniel, going through everything they have already established before again, reminding him of the important stuff.

"Do you want me to come with you?", she asks with sympathy when Max stands in front of the door, hand on the handle but not pulling down.  
Max throws her a startled look but then he shakes his head. He can handle this, can't he? It's just Daniel - and he, in opposite, knows Daniel.  
He can't imagine how Dan must feel like. He is going to be taken somewhere by someone he doesn't know, although he did agree to this...but still.

He shakes his head with a friendly smile, or at least he hopes it comes out that way, and Mrs Marren smiles back before she says her goodbyes and walks away. Right in that moment, Max would like to just walk away too. To run as far away from everything as possible and come back when this whole thing isn't a mess anymore.  
He knows that won't happen though. This mess will not solve itself on its own, no matter how much he wishes it would.

He presses the handle down after having knocked and slowly pulls the door open. So slowly as if he full on expects to have a pack of wolves attack him right in the second he steps inside. Nothing like that happens, obviously, and instead he is met with silence until he dares to look up, eyes finding Daniel sitting on the edge of the bed instantly.  
He has changed into his normal clothes too, some black jeans and a red flannel that Michelle must've picked out too.  
Suddenly, Max regrets having declined the doctors offer to come inside because he could really use some help right now. He doesn't know how to handle this at all.

Daniel's lips curl up into a smile as he sees Max, but it's nearly shy and not Iike the excited one that Max is used to, the one would spread all over Daniel's face and make his eyes sparkle when he'd see Max.

 _I'm a stranger to him_ , hammers through Max's brain and he barely remembers to smile back. 

  
"Hey", he somewhat dumbly says, still standing in the doorway. "I- I'm Max.", _even_ _dumber_ , god he wants to punch himself. A hint of amusement hushes over Daniel's face. 

"Yeah, I know", he says slowly, a little unsure and honestly, who is he to blame for that. "My parents told me." 

Max swallows, tries to get his trembling hands under control. "Right. Uhm, you for sure want to get finally out of here, so.. lets go, if you're ready?" 

This is a disaster. Such a damn disaster. Max feels like crying right then and there, he is talking to his boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend, he still doesn't know) like he is some stranger because to Daniel, Max _is_ a stranger. Max doesn't think he'll ever get that into his brain. Yep, he'd like to just deny it until he can't no more. 

Daniel however doesn't seem to notice and gets off the bed, looking like he wants to reach for the bag that stands near the door but Max is faster, picking it up for him.   
He gets a smile in reward for it, still that same smile he fell in love with years ago. 

"What a gentleman, thanks", Daniel remarks, his easy-going nature taking over a bit and Max gets himself to smile. Normally he would shoot a snarky comment back but now he doesn't dare to. It's only starting to dawn on him now that he can't talk to Daniel like he used to.   
He can't tell if Daniel senses his struggle or not, but finds that Dan keeps staring at him a moment longer. The cut above Daniel's left eyebrow has healed quite a bit already. 

Walking next to Daniel back to his car has never felt weirder. 

***

  
The car comes to a halt in Loftus Street in Leederville - Daniel only knows that because it's a new car and it's written on the display, even telling him the speed limit of the street. He stares out of the window when Max pulls into a parking spot in front of a modern building, plants decoration the sideways colorfully. Max kills the engine, looking at Daniel for the first time since they got into the car. 

  
Daniel kept glancing over to Max during the ride and all he could think about was _this is my boyfriend, this is a person I loved so much and...._ somehow, he doesn't remember him at all. Not a single bit. How is it possible that his brain erased entire years worth of memories from itself? How can it just erase a person that apparently meant so much to him?   
He still doesn't grasp it.   
He thought about it over and over again these past days in the hospitals, it wasn't like he was allowed to do much. 

He doubted it all - because how can it be possible that his brain is not working right? 

He can't even _tell_ that something is wrong with his memories. 

He recalls the look on Max's face when he last saw him - that genuine, disbelieving look of hurt when Daniel told him that he doesn't know him. He wonders again and again what Max sees in him, what kind of memories fill his brain that are gone from Daniel's. 

"We're here", Max tells him, a slight smile tugging at his plump lips. Lips that Daniel must've kissed, but he obviously doesn't actually know. Max looks as uneasy as Daniel feels.   
They get out of the car and Daniel is hit with the sweet smell of the cherry tree next to the parking lot, blooming with beautiful pink blossoms.   
Max carries Daniel's bag again, head down. He knows the way so Daniel just follows him. His body still aches, especially his neck - mild whiplash from the impact. He doesn't remember the crash either, or why they were out with the car, what they were doing. All he got told was that a driver drove through the red light and hit them.

His eyes scan the area - it's a very pretty loft building, modern with the white and dark brick walls and there are big, green plants hanging from the balconies all around as they walk through the inner courtyard. He likes it and again he can't stop himself from wondering when they've decided to move in together. Did they pick this out together? What other flats did they look at and why did they pick this one in particular? Did they argue about it? Do they argue a lot in their relationship or do they solve their differences just fine?   
Questions over questions that fill Daniel's brain, but he doesn't get any answers at all. The elevator ride up to their apartment is quiet but Daniel guesses both their minds are loud enough on their own already. 

He nearly runs into Max when the other one stops in front of a door and manages to stop just in time. His eyes fall onto the small name tag next to the bell.

_Verstappen & Ricciardo. _

  
He swallows, heart beating quickly in his chest as he follows Max inside.   
Max slips out of his shoes, leaving them to just stand around without bothering to put them aside. Daniel leaves his tidily next to the door.   
He walks down the corridor and finds himself in a spacious living room with an open kitchen area. It's modern and the interior is tasteful, white walls matching the warm laminate floor. His eyes get drawn to the window front, letting the evening sun flood inside and he realizes that it leads out to a balcony with a table and some chairs, he can see a few plants too. Behind that his eyes reach the vivid neighborhood, a park nearby, and further in the distance the high buildings of Perth's inner city.   
The kitchen is matched in the same color of the floor, everything is in harmony. It does feel homely but Daniel can't say if that's what he expected.   
Max comes back from a hallway and his eyes fall on Daniel still standing in the middle of the living room, and they widen a fraction.   
"Oh shit", he curses in realization. "Fuck I'm sorry I didn't think-"  
He expected for Daniel to know the place. Of course he did.   
"Sorry, I'll - I'll show you around", Max smiles sheepishly. 

"Living room and kitchen, as you see", Max points to the space in front of him and Daniel chuckles lightly, earning a glance from Max that he can't interpret. He leads Daniel down the hallway he just came from and points to the door on the left, pushing the door open. "Here is the bathroom, your... your stuff is on the left side of the cabinet, but you can use whatever is around here anyway, so.."

That sentence pulls at something in Daniel's chest. Max presses his lips together before he keeps walking and Dan follows him after he stayed behind for a second longer.  
The next door leads to the bedroom. Daniel feels the soft, beige carpet underneath his feet and he needs to walk inside for a bit until he can see the bed, covered in soft looking sheets in blue and white, and a creative painting on the wall above it. There is a white commode, a mirror and a closet too. For some reason he feels like there should be more stuff on the commode, but he can't lay his finger on why he thinks so. He frowns slightly and shakes his head at himself.

"Don't worry, I'll sleep in the guest room", Max says with a sort of small voice, probably having thought that Daniel's reaction was about that and Daniel wants to tell him that it actually wasn't, but Max has already slipped out of the room again.

Daniel stays a moment longer once again before going back to the living room. There is another but shorter hallway leading into the other direction from the one they came from, Daniel supposes that it leads to the spare room Max just hinted at. He doesn't go look though and sits down onto the grey couch, sinking into the soft material of it while he lets his eyes wander around in curiosity. On the wall next to the door that leads out onto the balcony is a pinboard - but despite a small calendar and folded sheets clipped to it it's empty. No pictures. Max must've taken them off and Daniel feels a wave of disappointment.  
He wants to grasp onto something from his missing memories, anything, but he doesn't get granted any of it and it's starting to frustrate him.

He knows the doctors told him to take it easy, to slowly try and train his brain to bring the memories back. They recommended him to do things that also generally train the brain; solving riddles, listening to music, moving his body (which he is not really allowed to so far) but also surrounding himself with places, things and people that he wants to remember.

Well, he wants to remember all of this.  
He wants to remember laying on this couch, maybe cuddling with Max.  
He wants to remember what they cooked together in the kitchen, or if they're taking turns of who cooks and who does the dishes.  
He wants to remember if they invited friends over for the evening, having a grill out on the balcony.  
He wants to remember mornings or nights in the bathroom, maybe brushing their teeth while grinning at each other through the mirror.  
He wants to remember resting on the bed, maybe with Max curled into his side or the other way around.

Is that the kind of relationship they have? 

He wants to know.  
And he wants to know Max, he wants to remember everything.  
Because Daniel can see it in Max's eyes everytime he looks at him - the love and the longing, it's so clear that there was so much between them.  
Daniel now nearly startles when Max walks back into the room, just in comfortable looking sweats this time and he heads for the kitchen, taking a glass and filling it with water.   
His eyes fall on Daniel, still sitting on the couch, and a smile spreads over his face. It's an honest one, dimples standing out. Daniel smiles back. 

"Are you hungry?", Max asks and Daniel nods after a second, watching as Max opens the fridge. "Hm, I could make..."  
Max purses his lips and then turns around, face scrunched up in a way that Daniel finds adorable. 

"Fuck that", Max just claims and pushes the fridge close again before leaning over the counter to grab something. "I'm ordering Chinese take-out" 

He glances at Daniel. "If that's alright with you, I mean?", Max corrects himself and Daniel sees the look of sadness flashing through his eyes, even if just briefly. 

"Of course", Daniel says quickly and to his surprise, Max is already dialling the number of the restaurant - and orders Daniel's favorite dish.   
Dan swallows. Of course Max knows his favorite thing to eat. He almost feels guilty that he can't say the same about Max, not even close. 

"Do you wanna eat outside when it's here or..?", Max rips Daniel out of his thoughts and Daniel tears his eyes from where he was just staring mindlessly into nothing but the air. 

"Sure, why not", he says because it's comfortably warm outside and he likes the view. He follows Max outside and finds that the balcony is actually bigger than he thought. His eyes fall onto the small palm trees that are placed around. 

"Palms are pretty much the only plants that don't die after two days", Max dryly says, and Daniel notes that Max is quite attentive. He laughs and sits down onto one of the comfortable chairs. 

"So we both are good at killing anything that's green?"

"You could say so" 

Daniel smiles and watches Max for a moment longer before he lets his eyes wander over the neighbourhood. 

"Where is your accent from, by the way?", Dan asks curiously then because he has been asking himself that question ever since he first noticed it. Max looks taken a back for a moment before he regains his self-control. He clears his throat. 

"It's Dutch. I moved to Australia about five or six years ago", he says and Daniel studies him from the side. 

"Did you move here for a specific reason, I mean other than that 'straya is beautiful?", he grins but feels guilty when he sees Max flinching, even when it's just in the slightest, his blue eyes snapping towards Daniel and Dan finds them unreadable. 

"I-uhm... it was for a exchange year. Then I decided to stay afterwards", Max shrugs his shoulders and winces a bit at the movement. Daniel knows that Max keeps something from him, something important and something that the Daniel in Max's mind knows. 

Daniel nods and stares off into the distance again, achingly aware that Max seems to know him in and out, and he knows nothing at all about Max. 

"Oh right", Max then says and gets up from his chair to walk back into the living room. "I almost forgot to give you this" 

Daniel stares at the phone in Max's outstretched hand before taking it carefully. 

"It's not yours though", Max gives him an apologetic look before he corrects himself. "Well not your real one, the doctors said to give you a new one because of the photos and everything on the other phone. So, this one just has your contacts saved for now" 

Daniel twists the black phone between his fingers. Another access to past memories blocked. He smiles nonetheless at Max, finding it comes naturally almost. Maybe his mind forgot things, but his body didn't. Is that possible? Daniel doesn't know and he doesn't have the energy to really think about it.   
The rest of the time while they're waiting for their food to arrive is spent in silence, and Daniel can't tell if it's uncomfortable or not.   
He would like to ask Max so many things, he doesn't even know where or how to start.   
Somehow nothing leaves his mouth though and he wonders if all of this is just a dream. Maybe he'll just wake up tomorrow and everything is back to normal...even when he doesn't actually now what that is right now.   
Is this normal for them? Just relaxing in their apartment, on the balcony, eating food together and telling each other about their day?   
Or do they usually go out on the weekends, hitting different clubs or doing date nights or... 

He doesn't know.

It makes him want to tear his hair out, it's itching under his fingernails and leaves a bitter taste at the back of his mouth because he is sitting in his apartment but it doesn't feel like home to him, because he is right next to his boyfriend but he doesn't feel the love inside of him.

He is surrounded by all of these things that are supposed to be his and they're supposed to represent who he is and they're supposed to bring him comfort, because this is literally his life.  
All he can think about is that all of this feels unfamiliar to him.

So strange, so far away, so... unbelievable.

He is stuck somewhere in the past while all of this is his present and he doesn't know what to do with that.

 _This_ is his life, but in his mind he is still living on the farm with his parents, occasionally helping them out with the sheep and an actual, serious relationship is far from what he thinks he wants, he is used to sleeping with someone different every few weeks.  
But now he is sitting here, in this modern apartment and in front of him sits this man that loves him and that he loves too, only he doesn't remember.  
He startles when the bell rings and Max gets up once again to go get their food. 

Later, after he eventually lay down in bed, he stares up at the ceiling. The window is open and lets the fresh breath of air inside, the faint breeze tickling Daniel's skin and he is so dead tired, he feels liks he should be able to fall asleep any second.   
Well, he has been thinking that for the past two hours now and so far he hasn't got a single second of sleep. He turns around again, facing the wall, nuzzling his face into the soft pillow that smells like laundry detergent and of a very own, pleasant smell.   
These last days in the hospital he has been thinking that coming here, seeing all of this - his home - would make him feel better. Some foolish part inside of him still believed that seeing his home would make him remember things again. 

Nothing. 

He feels absolutely nothing, other than guilt and frustration.   
He sighs and sits up, rubbing a hand over his face before he gets up, deciding to get himself a bit of water.   
Actually, he just planned to go the bathroom but he stops in the hallway when he realizes that there is a hint of dimmed light coming from the living room. He carefully peeks his head around the corner but stays hidden in the shadows of the hallway. The light actually comes from the some sort of starlight protector in the living room, artfully decorating the ceiling in a calming, dimmed blue. Max sits at the table, leant over it with his head resting on his folded arms, and for a second Daniel thinks that he is sleeping but then the light of the projector shifts a bit and Daniel can see the glimmer of Max's tear stained cheeks while his eyes stare into nothing.   
His heart clenches at that and a part of him wants nothing more than to just go over and sit down next to Max to comfort him, but the other part makes him stay where he is.   
He stays standing there for a moment longer, watching the man at the table, but Max doesn't do anything at all. He just sits there, tears rolling down his cheeks and there is not a single sound leaving his mouth as he cries, his shoulders aren't shaking in the slightest either. 

Daniel backs away as soundlessly as he can and slides into the bathroom. He leans against the sink, tired eyes finding their reflection in the mirror, barely able to make it out in the darkness of the room. 

_This is me_ , he tells himself. 

This is him, and he has to find a way to get back to himself, to the person he has become these past years. For himself and for Max. 

  
He swallows, gulping down half a cup of water, making a promise with no one else but the reflection in the mirror that's staring back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> life update: I royally fucked up my law exam :)
> 
> Hope you are doing well!
> 
> Love,  
> Alessandra


	3. Who am I to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your sweet comments! :)

Max feels like shit. He eventually fell asleep at the kitchen table after he sat there for too long, his heart feeling torn, and now his back and ribs hurt like a bitch. Not even the hot shower he took eased his muscles.  
He sighs, leaning against the counter as he makes some pancakes for breakfast and rubs his eyes. When he hears footsteps approaching he looks over his shoulder at Daniel, heart halting for a moment when he sees the mess of curls on Daniel's head and his still groggy but soft eyes.  
"Morning", Max says and to his luck his voice sounds a lot more stable than he really feels.  
Daniel slowly sits down onto one of the bar stools at the counter, smiling back at Max.

"Hey"

Normally, Daniel would always come to Max, wrap his arms around his waist from behind and rest his chin on Max's shoulder after pressing a kiss to his neck.  
Max turns away from Daniel, willing his emotions to stay down. He shouldn't make this harder on himself than it already is.

"How did you sleep?", Daniel asks and catches Max offguard in that moment. Max throws a glance over his shoulder. 

"Alright, I guess"  
What a lie, but anyway. "You?"

Daniel plays with the small vase on the counter.  
"Good", he grins a bit "the mattress is so soft it's like heaven"

Max snorts out of habit. "Yeah you better like it, you were the one who picked it"

He the mentally slaps himself and turns around to Daniel again, biting at his lip. "I'm sorry, that was-"

"No, no", Daniel defensively raises his hands. "It's okay - actually I wanted to ask you if we could start going over... a few pictures today?", he adds hesitantly. Max swallows.

"Uhm- I mean if you think it's not too early then maybe we could yeah"

Daniel shrugs in the slightest. "It's been a week since the accident now, I guess that's okay"

Max just nods and focuses back on the pancakes in front of him, not trusting his voice to not sound like he is going to cry if he'd speak up. 

"Can I ask you something?", Daniel looks at Max expectingly while Max busies himself with doing the toppings. 

"Yeah, sure" 

A pause. "How long have we been together?" 

Max blinks and feels a burning sting in his chest, though he tries to get himself under control again. "A little over three years"   
He doesn't add that they celebrated their anniversary just a few weeks ago.   
Daniel stills for a whole moment, staring at Max though he seems to rather look through him. 

"That's... crazy", Daniel mumbles, fingers rubbing his temples like he has a headache. "I really don't remember three whole years. Or more, I actually don't know how many years are missing" 

Max tries to swallow down the lump in his throat and hopes his voice sounds steady with his next words. "You will remember them again, though. You just need a little time" 

He has to believe that himself too.   
When he places the plate in front of Daniel and looks up into his eyes, he sees a softness on Daniel's face that makes Max want to brush his knuckles over Daniel's cheekbone, or kiss him. He can't do that and so he looks away before his heart in his chest hurts even more. 

"Yeah", Daniel stretches that word out "hopefully sooner than later.. all of this is kind of freaking me out" 

"I know", Max quietly says, eyes fixated on his plate. "Me too." 

  
Daniel doesn't remember anything while looking through their pictures. It's just a few photos of them, mostly shot while traveling or whatever else and while Max looks over at Daniel as the older studies all of them, he sees the shimmer of sadness, maybe even longing, in his eyes but he also sees it clear as day that Daniel doesn't recognize any of them.   
Max really tries to not feel disappointed by that - he should've known before that it wouldn't be as easy as to just shove a few pics into Daniel's face and boom, all the memories are back. Max wishes it would work like that though. 

"Another one?", Daniel quietly asks and he sounds as defeated as Max feels.   
Max hesitates, taking in the already tired look on Dan's face and he shakes his head then. 

"... I think that's enough for today. There is no point in bombarding you with everything right away."

Daniel's eyes snap to Max's and he nods ever so slowly, shoulder sagged forward. "Okay", he mumbles. 

"It's okay, Daniel.", Max hurries to add and reaches out to lay a hand on Daniel's shoulder but then he quickly stops himself from doing so. Daniel notices but doesn't say anything. 

Max clears his throat, feeling uneasy in his own skin, and he holds his hand out for the pictures that are laying on Daniel's lap. He doesn't want to just take them away. 

Daniel looks at Max's hand and then down onto the photos, contemplating something. "Can I- can I keep them? Maybe I'll look over them later again.." 

Max recoils his hand and nods. "Sure, go ahead. They're yours anyway"

He gives Daniel a smile that he hopes is reassuring and Daniel returns it shakily.   
Max gets up from the couch and goes to pack the box in which he stuffed all the photos away again. 

"Max?" 

He glances over his shoulder. "Hm?" 

"How did we first meet?", Daniel asks, his eyes curious and Max knows that Daniel really wants to remember, and he can't decide if it warms his heart or makes it clench. 

A small smile spreads over Max's face at the memory and he settles down on to the couch next to Daniel, though with a respectable distance that he internally really can't stand at all.   
For Daniel, he reminds himself. 

"Through work actually." Max chuckles, he still finds it absurd after all. Daniel still knows that he works for a motorcycle factory that also offers tours through the outback an trainings, and so on. "I work for Aston Martin in the car development, and we had this unnecessary as fuck team-building day - in which we went to your workplace and booked one of these rideouts." 

Daniel grins at Max's way of storytelling. "And we clicked right away?" 

"No. Well, I can't really tell to be honest. I thought you were hot but an absolute Mr-know-it-all idiot. I kept telling you that the front brake of my dirt-bike didn't properly work and you said to me, and I quote 'you just needa treat this baby with a little sentiment' and called me an aggressive young grasshopper, whatever the fuck you meant with that."

Daniel starts laughing loudly and Max stills, relishing that sound he hasn't really heard this past days. "Wow, I was really trying to be all hot on you, wasn't I?"

Max stops his staring when Daniel's eyes find his again, and he grins. "Pretty much yeah. Anyway, so we went for that rideout and guess what? The front brakes really didn't work and I ended up crashing and breaking my ankle.", Max can't stop the laugh startling out of him. "You felt so bad about it and kept apologizing all the way to the hospital, and afterwards you came to visit me every day that I stayed there.... well, the rest is history then."

He looks over to find Daniel staring at him intensely, a smile on his face that turns kind of sad then. "Damn, I sort of could've bet that we had some super cute meeting, like.. in some park or whatever. Turns out we are chaotic as hell" 

Max can't help but laugh at that. "Why the hell at a park?" 

Daniel stares at Max with a look that Max can't place. Just when Daniel is about to say something, the doorbell cuts him off.   
Max looks at the clock and presses his lips together into a small smile. 

"Well I guess that's Michael.", he quietly says and Daniel nods as he carefully puts all the photos that are still on his lap together. 

Max found that it would probably help Daniel if he also surroundes himself with people he does remember, and who would be better than his best friend? If there is anyone that Max trusts to be a help in all of this, then it's Michael. 

He watches as Daniel goes to put on his shoes, shoving his new phone into the back pocket of his jeans. 

The sight of it is so familiar that it's nearly weird, but then Daniel turns around to give Max a smile before opening the door, instead of walking over to Max and kiss him goodbye. Max blinks and awkwardly waves at Daniel, and greets Michael when he sees the other man in the opened door. He knows Michael will most likely talk to him later anyway, so he doesn't bother getting up and going over to him. 

"Bye", Daniel says over the shoulder and then the door is already falling back into it's lock. 

"Bye.", Max whispers into the already empty apartment. A single tear rolls down his cheek and he breathes out a "Fuck" as he turns his head to stare up at the ceiling, a wave of hopelessness flooding through his veines.   
Then he wipes the tears away and takes in a deep breath - this is just the second day Daniel is here. The doctors said it will probably take some time, some weeks. Or maybe even months.  
... or maybe the memories will never come back at all?

He shakes his head, forcing away those doubts. He has never had a big amount of patience and it really comes to show now. He takes his phone, replying to Grace's text first, then his sister's and then Lando's.  
He declines Lando's immideate offer to come over to help take his mind off of everything - Max really appreciates his best friend, but his brain doesn't need a distraction; it needs to calm down before it overheats like some old laptop, on the verge of crashing down.

He spends the rest of the day mostly outside - he went for a run and then decided to go the gym because hey, nothing helps ease his mind more than sprinting up some hill or punching that sandbag until his hand hurts even through the gloves. His ribs hurt too and it's probably not too smart to already work out again, but the pain is somehow a weird relief to the pressure in his chest that comes from his heart.  
When he gets home, Daniel isn't there yet and Max isn't sure if he is relieved or not.

It's late evening when Michael and Daniel eventually return home, the sun already starting to set behind Perth's skyline in the distance. Like Max suspected, Michael comes inside too and gives Max a telling look. Max just nods and lets himseld be pulled into a hug from Michael that is a little tighter than usual. Max gratefully accepts the offer of comfort.  
When he pulls back he notices Daniel observing them with curious, slightly surprised eyes. Of course, in his mind Max and Michael have never even met before.

"I'm going to hit the shower", Daniel says then though and already turns around to walk down the hallway with a nearly casual grin on his face.  
Max stares after him for a bit before he invites Michael out onto the balcony after handing him a beer.

"So, how are you holding up?", Michael asks the question that Max already knew would come, but no matter how many times he thought about how to answer it, he hasn't figured it out. So he shrugs, his shoulder barely hurting anymore.

"What am I supposed to tell you?", Max asks with a lopsided grin that is not actually a grin but more of a grimace. "He doesn't remember me at all. He looks at me like he'd look at that guy over there", he points to a man walking down the street with his beer bottle before he takes a sip. A vodka would do a better job here, actually.  
Michael doesn't take his eyes off of Max to look and instead studies Max calmly. Michael is always so calm, so level-headed, and Max wants to ask him how he does it, now more than ever before.

"I know it's hard, Max.", Michael says "But it will get better. Daniel will remember you, I'm sure."

Michelle told Max the same thing, and Max once again restrains himself from asking the same question he already head in mind then.   
The doubt must be written over his face anyway.

"Hey, he will", Michael leans forward to make sure Max looks at him. "He just needs time and you will have to give him that. You'll find your way back to each other and I'll bet my right leg on that, mate. You two need each other like... plants need water"

Max narrows his eyes. "You couldn't have found some better comparison?"

Michael laughs and Max joins in on it too, although his is a lot more shakily. 

"Lord save me if he doesn't remember and I'll have to deal with his idiotic arse on my own the whole time.", Michael holds his hands up to the heaven in a praying motion and Max chuckles a bit, appreciating Michael's attempt to light things up a bit. 

That's what Max and Daniel have always been like - Max fits right into the craziness of Daniel, and Daniel softens the edges of Max that are too rough and wounding, but he never once tries to change Max as a whole in any way. They balance each other out.

"In all seriousness, Max" Michael brings him right back into the here and now "It will work out, even when it doesn't seem like it now. Daniel loved you and his mind may have forgotten, but I don't think his heart has. You're his everything."

Max takes a gulp from the bottle to try and swallow down the lump in his throat.   
He gives Michael a forced smile that the older one for sure can tell is fake but Max can't be bothered to pretend.   
Thoughts race in his mind and they poison his heart afterwards; he's always been a bit on the self-destructive side. 

The most hurtful thought doesn't let itself be shoved away, not by Max and not by Michael's reassuring words. 

_What if he is just Daniel's nothing now?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on tumblr under the same user! <3


	4. photographs & movie scenes

_Max is his everything._

That sentence is stuck in Daniel's brain. He shouldn't have listened to Max and Michael's conversation yesterday, but the window to the bathroom had been tilted and carried their voices into the room, and Daniel found himself leaning against the wall underneath to the window, unable to command his body to walk away.  
Ever since, that sentence has been spooking around Daniel's brain the whole night and now in the morning too.

He glances over to Max while its the same scenario as yesterday morning too; Max is making breakfast and Daniel sits on the stools in front of the counter.  
Was it like that too, before?

He imagines mornings like this, but instead of the slightly tense aura around them he dreams of a calm, joyful one. He imagines the radio playing in the background, him and Max singing along to it, maybe even dancing and their laughter filling the space.  
Hearing Max's hoarse laugh yesterday made his chest swell with something Daniel isn't sure how to interpret. 

"Can we go through some more pictures today?", Daniel asks in between two bites and Max throws him a quick glance over the edge of his cup.   
Daniel likes his eyes - they are of an deep blue, sparkling with an expressiveness that makes it easy to get lost in them. 

"Yeah... I kind of thought that we could go check out a few places we have been too before. You know, maybe if you're there it's easier for your brain to connect to things.." 

Daniel nods in surprise. "Sure, that's a really smart idea" 

Max hops off his stool and grins in a carefree way that Daniel hasn't seen before - or more like; he just can't remember having seen it. 

"Thanks", Max cheeks "I googled it myself" 

Daniel laughs. "Smartass" 

  
The first place they go to is the Cafe [_tiisch_](https://www.instagram.com/p/CIMT8j6nOeA/?igshid=41jnk1tn2xgy)in perth. They both order a coffee and sit at one of the tables by the window - Max says it's the same one as when they came here years back. Here they had their very first date, and Daniel can't quite wrap his head around that idea.   
Was he nervous? Sitting here, bouncing his leg and biting his nails, afraid that Max wouldn't come?   
Did he greet Max with a hug? Or just a smile? 

He asks Max these questions swirling around in his brain and Max answers them all, adding little stories and Daniel finds that he likes listening to Max, likes seeing the way his eyes dart around when he doesn't find the right words for a second or the way his European accent is stronger on some words than others. Like 'three', which he kind of pronounces like 'tree'. 

Later they drive to a surfschool in [North Fremantle](https://www.instagram.com/p/CMO4XFlnQGJ/?igshid=elncn6ycnf15) \- the place of their second date.   
They went stand-up paddling - and as Max explains it: "You were good at it and I spent more time in the water than on the board all day."

Daniel laughs at that and watches as only a few people are out on the water when Max points to a little kid and grumpily murmurs "See? Even some five year old is better at it than me" 

"Guess you just suck then" Daniel jokes and squeaks at the murderous look Max sends him.

"Asshole", Max sticks his tongue out at Daniel, who loves to see a more playful side of Max. 

  
A little later after they strolled around the coast and the few small cafe's around, they're sitting on a few [rocks](https://www.instagram.com/p/CMHQ74vniZi/?igshid=tkcllr6x8ssm) near the beach, eyes following the boats leaving the harbour nearby and the few stand-up paddlers that are still trying their luck.   
The breeze of wind is salty and fresh, a smell that Daniel loves. It always reminds him of home; of days spent at the beach building sand-castles in the hot sun with Michelle and his parents.   
He notices Max staring at him from the side and turns his head towards him. There is uncertainty written over Max's face, like he is fighting with himself as if to say something or not. Before Daniel can open his mouth to encourage him, Max already speaks up, though hesitantly so. 

"You know, this is actually- this is the place where you kissed me for the first time" 

Daniel stares at Max, eyes glancing at Max's lips on their own before he can stop them. Max has a little mole on his upper lip, Daniel only notices now. It's cute. Is that what he thought three years back too? Was that the reason he kissed Max? 

"Romantic" he hears himself saying quietly, eyes locked back into Max's, who blushes and eventually looks away.   
Daniel is unable to tear his gaze away for a moment longer.

He can imagine most of these things Max tells him about, painting pictures in Daniel's head, some more vividly than others.   
But that's the problem - it's like reading a book; the author can write as many and detailed sentences as they want and yet the scene will always play out differently in the reader's mind. They can describe every emotion and place but it will never feel the exact same for the reader as it does for the author.   
Daniel doesn't want that. He doesn't vague imagines, he wants his _memories_. With everything that makes them so special; what it looked like in detail, what caught his eye, what his thoughts and emotions were, what it felt like.

He can start to see what he liked about Max, what pulled him in three years ago.   
But is that enough to make Daniel love Max again? 

He shakes his head at himself. Where did that thought suddenly come from? 

  
They head home soon afterwards, no one saying a thing during the car ride and the music is the only thing that keeps them from sitting in complete silence. 

Right before Max opens the door to their apartment, Daniel makes him halt with his voice. 

"Max?" 

Max looks over his shoulder, the sunlight falling through the window in the corridor of the building paints his figure in dim shadows and rays, playing with the blond tips of his hair. 

"I'm sorry for not remembering anything" 

Max's eyes hush to the side for the fraction for a second and the smile he grants Daniel is not all that natural, but Daniel can't blame him for that. 

"It's okay", Max says and finally twists the keys in the lock, a metallic clink echoing around the walls. 

They both know it's not really okay, not if this is all that will be left behind of them.   
Daniel knows he can't fill that hole in his brain with a few stories here and there.   
That doesn't cut it for him, how could it? 

The night just won't end, or start for that matter. Again. Daniel tosses and turns in his bed for what feels like the hundredth time in the past hour, and he just doesn't feel at ease enough to fall asleep, no matter how hard he tries. He huffs out a breath, watching the faint shadows of the curtains playing on the opposite wall before he gets up, bare feet tapping quietly on the ground when he walks down the hallway.Tonight it's dark in the living room when Daniel walks in and he has to stop and think for a moment to remember where Max showed him the light switch is. When he finds it, he dims the light to the lowest point because the brightness burns in his eyes. 

He nearly yelps when he turns around and his eyes fall on Max on the couch, and he barely stops himself from letting out any surprised sound.   
Max is fast asleep, curled up on his side on the sofa. His puffs of breath are so quiet that at first Daniel almost wants to check if Max is still breathing at all or not.   
Turns out Max just sleeps like an angel. Daniel settles onto one of the cozy armchairs on the other side of the couch, watching Max's sleeping form for a while longer. 

The oversized sweater has ridden up and Daniel's eyes linger on the pale stripe of skin of Max's hip for a second before they wander to the slowly rising and falling chest, and then the soft expression on Max's face as his hand is tucked underneath his head.  
Daniel realizes a smile has settled on his face at some point, his thoughts wandering again.   
He wonders if that sweater is actually his and not Max's - it looks like it's deliberately oversized and pretty much of Daniel's taste. At least as far as Daniel can tell, maybe his taste also changed in these past years and he just doesn't know. Still it does something to his heart to think that Max chose to sleep with Daniel's sweater, probably as a source of comfort... because Daniel himself isn't giving Max any real comfort. 

And it's not because Daniel doesn't want to, he really does but - how can he, when for him he has only known Max for less than a week now?  
He blinks the burning sensation in his eyes away, still staring at Max sleeping peacefully before he wills himself to look away and get up again. He takes out the box from behind the couch as quietly as possible, having watched Max put it there after they looked through a few pictures. 

He probably shouldn't do this and just go back to bed even if that means he will just toss around on it the whole time. But you know, curiosity kills the cat, and so he sits down on the armchair again with the box on the floor in front of him. 

The first picture was pinned on the pinboard before it got taken off, Daniel supposes by the little hole at the top of it. It's taken somewhere at the ocean but Daniel isn't sure if it's in Australia or not. They're sitting on a wooden railing, the sunset dipping the sea's water in golden and orange and while it's beautiful, it isn't what Daniel's eyes are drawn to. His eyes are drawn to where they're sitting next to each other on that railing, Daniel's arm wrapped around Max's waist and vice versa, and mostly; the carefree smiles on both their faces as they look at each other rather then the camera. Daniel swallows down the sudden dryness in his throat. They look so in love. _He_ looks so in love.   
Like in a head over heels, warm and fuzzy butterflies in the stomach and hopelessly blind kind of way. 

Isn't that what he has always been longing for? For all these romantic cliches, because yes he is such a damn mushy romantic at heart, to feel all these things that are always portrayed in movies and books. Isn't that what he looked for in every possible person for years? It seems like he looked for it and eventually he found it, if the affection in his eyes in those photos is anything to go by - and his brain just took it away from him again.He doesn't wipe away the tear rolling down his cheek as he turns the photo in his hands and indeed there is something written down on the backside of it, Daniel recognizes it as his own handwriting. 

_Maldives - where the water is as blue as your eyes 🖤_

He huffs out a quiet breath with a fond smile because yeah, that sounds like something he'd write down. Now that he thinks of it, Max's eyes are of an ocean blue that resembles the water of maldives. 

He goes through a few other photos, studying all of them closely with a sad smile on his face. There's selfies of them in the car, on a plane and at a party with some other guys Daniel doesn't recognize, and photos of them in ugly christmas sweaters and one on motorcycles at Daniel's workplace. 

Daniel loves all of them but there is one in particular that he is still staring at for some reason. It must've been taken back on his parents farm, maybe at Christmas or something, he guesses, but it's actually not important. They're sitting at a table together with Grace and Michelle and while Daniel is laughing widely, gesturing something with his hands as always, Max looks downright embarrassed to the deepest core, with his head in his hands and the sweetest, most shy smile on his face, glancing at Daniel from the side. Grace and Michelle just look amused by it and there is something that makes Daniel's chest hurt even more than the others. Maybe because it's so candid or just a random snapshot - it makes Daniel miss all these moments he doesn't remember even more. 

He turns the photo and sees his own handwriting once again. He almost isn't able to read what is written there through his blurry vision. 

_I'll always love embarrassing you Maxy ;)_

He stares for a second longer before lowering the photo in his hand, eyes wandering to Max who is still fast asleep.   
_Maxy._   
Daniel doesn't even know why it hasn't struck him yet that they most likely called each other by nicknames, he can't even tell why he is suddenly so torn by that - most people call each other nicknames all the time. But there is something so tender about that particular nickname, something that seems like it's reserved just for him, or at least it should be. Like it's made to fall from Daniel's lips only. 

This is the first time he cries ever since he came here after the accident, he realizes, and he can't even tell how he hasn't before, how he willed his emotions to stay down. 

But now he sits there, in an apartment he doesn't remember picking out, photos he doesn't remember being taken in his hands, tattoos he doesn't remember getting done on his skin and a man he doesn't remember loving in front of him. 

He still feels like a misplaced figure on a movie set and he is being told how to act by the director but he has never even been taught how to act at all, and so he just stands there, unmoving as the world keeps on flying by. 

He shakes his head, wiping off the tearstains from his cheeks before he starts to pack away the photos again. They didn't bring him anything other than longing and sadness so far anyway and yet he wants to keep on digging into every single experience from these past years.   
A small, shaky sigh escapes his lips as he leans down to pick up a blanket after he stowed away the box again, and he carefully drapes the blanket over Max. He hesitates as he stands next to the sleeping man, studying his soft features in the dimmed light and before Daniel can convince himself to stop, he reaches out to let his fingertips run tenderly over Max's cheekbone and then his jaw.   
Like his touch could make up for the tears Daniel has caused him because of all of this already if it's just softly enough. 

He is only left to hope that one day, better sooner than later, he will be able to love Max again in the way he used to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are sooo amazing, thank you for all your support 🥺
> 
> I added a few links to the places for a little fun, I hope you can open them? I've never tried this before so idk lol  
> Also I don't know anything about perth and how far these locations are from each other, so let's just act like they can drive from one place to the other in an reasonable amount of time :) 
> 
> love,  
> Alessandra


End file.
